I Feel Like a Hot Pocket... | 2021 Reflection

I um…feel like a hot pocket. That’s probably a weird way to start this off, but it’s true. I don’t like hot pockets, but that’s not what I mean by saying I feel like a hot pocket. I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten a hot pocket but if you have, then this analogy might make sense to you. I remember a long time ago I was eating a hot pocket, (maybe it was my first one, maybe not). I remember putting it in the microwave for the prescribed amount of time and taking it out, I bit into it…

Of course it was way too hot! I almost completely burned my tongue off. Anyway, I eventually get to the middle of it and it’s…cold.

*sigh*

That’s what I mean. I feel, or maybe it’s more appropriate to say that I’ve felt like a hot pocket…like you take all the right steps, you look like what people would expect you to look like, but on the inside there’s this warring reality. Like, for the hot pocket, in one spot it’s molten lava, and in another spot it’s ice cold. Like in the very center.

For me, it’s like…complicated. Like there’s so much push-pull. On one hand, I’m a people person, I love people…but I can be so shielded with them because so many people in my life have drawn back from me when I didn’t live up to their expectations or did what they wanted me to be. Life kind of taught me to be selectively transparent. 

On the other hand, I’m creative…but I cling to the norm. Sometimes I shun innovation because it’s tough to maintain new successes, and that’s scary. That’s like the push-pull between faith and certainty, right? Like…the opposite of faith isn’t doubt, right? It’s certainty. Same thing with fear, right? Like…courage isn’t the absence of fear, courage is not allowing fear to keep you from moving forward. Faith isn’t the absence of doubt, faith is saying my trust in God is so much bigger than my doubts or fears…but you can get in this space where you don’t move forward or try because you don’t know it will work or that things will go how you want…

That’s not faith. That’s saying I trust God only if I know it goes exactly how I want…only if it’s safe.

2020, the whole Corona Pandemic thing was such a time…I don’t really know how to describe it. I was working at The View Church and in March we had to shut down in-person services, so in a week’s time, we had to take everything virtual. We had a few faithful volunteers to lean on, but a lion’s share of the work was something I took on. 

That was a crazy time. 

I was working literally like 20-22 hours out of the day. Creating images, making videos, posting updates, setting up templates, sending out messages…I would just work until there wasn’t anything else I could think to do, take a nap, then get up and do it all over again. It was like that for a while, really. At the time, my wife was really sick so I was also taking care of my son and our younger cousin who we were taking care of at the time. I was just, drained. My time and attention was tugged on around the clock. 

It was rough.

Eventually things got a little easier, but I still spent a ton of time working. Like…in 2020, I was literally busy doing something with most of my time. I was exhausted. I was discouraged. I was…a lot of things, but I didn’t really know it at the time. I was just doing…and that kind of became being. Who I was, was really wrapped up in things I was doing. 

It’s crazy because, I couldn’t really see it then. It wasn’t until somewhere in 2021 that I really started to get it. At the start of the year, we moved to Georgia, and it was a big transition for us. We left all of our friends and family and moved to a new place. I don’t want it to sound negative or ungrateful, because we believe it is purposeful and it’s a blessing…but it wasn’t what we were expecting.

Like…there was a lot to expect. We were on the road here with nothing but trust in God. I was still handling my responsibilities at The View remotely, but you know some of those things can’t be sustained, right? So it’s like…

I’m gonna need a job…
Don’t have one. 
We’re gonna need a church…
Don’t have one. 
We’re gonna need community…
Don’t have one. It was just…going on faith.

But things change. 

On the way to Georgia, driving through Texas, I basically get a job offer. I do the interviews when we get settled in the house, but it’s like…I’ve basically got a new job before we’ve been in Georgia for a week.

And then…it just kind of crashed on me.

I was right back to being that same level of busy because now I’ve got a new job on top of the responsibilities of the one I’m transitioning from. I’m trying to meet responsibilities to two different churches and I’m failing at both, for a couple reasons. 

It was too much for me to handle, but also, I was having trouble connecting with people at the new job because of things people had told me, about me…like…I come off arrogant…or I’m so insular, or whatever.

I second guessed everything I did, right down to how I said hello.

It was a time I should have been transparent and said here’s what’s going on and I need help…but instead I just tried to carry it and a lot fell through the cracks. I ended up losing the new job…and I should have. I wasn’t delivering…but, I don’t say that for sympathy. I was blessed enough to keep The View as a client for my private practice, and that (along with some other opportunities) have been a blessing to our family. 

I share this story to share what it taught me: that I was letting myself be defined by other things when I should be defined God. Because of that, I found my identity (my sense of self) in things that drained me and kept me from being what God wanted me to be. 

And it cost me.

At the top of the year I was busy, and it came with a lot of things. The money, the opportunities and what not…but it was too much. The thing is, it felt like I had to hold it because…well, who was I without it?

When it crashed, I was left with a lot of time, and a lot of questions. I really didn’t know how to be me…who was I without all of that weight on my shoulders? And I realized that whoever I was…I had allowed that weight to get between me and God.

I spent a lot of time with God after that.

Like…up early early to read…days at a time without television…consuming sermons like chocolate chip cookies

I needed to rediscover God in order to find me again.

There were a lot of days I was reading, and praying…

…and then nothing. 

Lots of waiting. 

But at the end of it all, here I am understanding the push-pull a little more. Being courageous through the fear a bit more. Having faith beyond the doubts a bit more…being more comfortable to be who God has made me, and who He is calling me to be. 

I’m slowly learning to put the weight down.

Slowly learning His burden is light.